Wednesday, August 10, 2005

What's with Comedians?

dont wait for a comedian to get out of the grocery store. it takes him 5 hours to get thru that thing. he`s reading every label looking for funny ingredients. listening to the stupid questions asked at the front desk. he`s like a kid in the candy store in there. and dont even ask about the airport. gee whiz. he`s slipping things in other peoples pockets at the metal detector. pouring water in the lap of the guy sleeping in the lobby.
you`ll see him on the side of the road, scribbling in his notepad. "thats funny. i gotta write that down."
Jerry Seinfeld. Dont ever meet this guy. He`ll look you up and down, trying to find something unusual he can do a routine on.
"She had man hands", "whats with that guy?"
and Rodney Dangerfield... did you see "Lil Nicky". was that typecasting? seriously though, Rodney Dangerfield as Satan???
He`d be headlining in Hell every night. "I tell ya i get no respect." the audience would be tied to the chairs. "Help, get me out of here. i repent!!!"

Monday, June 27, 2005

How to Destroy the Poor People by G W Bush

1. raise health care costs to record highs. done.
2. raise gas prices to redcord highs. done.
3. raise cost of living to record highs. done.
4. lower interest rates. done.
5. take away bankruptcy. done.
6.tax on used cars. done.
7. send jobs over seas. done.

note ot self; tax cuts for the wealthy.

A dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "Me too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

slogans

1- I LOVE GORGEOUS WOMEN, but they're too busy looking in the air to notice!!
2- EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU!!! I exercise my sitting muscles everyday!!!!
3- i'm a perfect 1! yep right at the top!!!
4- i'm only a 4, but i'm faithful!!!!!
5- I'M A PERFECT 10!!! what's your iq?
6- I DONT GET MAD, I GET EVEN!!!
7- LOVE IS LIKE A FURNACE!!! if you fall in you'll get burned!!!
8- strate A STUDENT; A DUMMY! A CREEP! A MESS!
9-IF U LOVE SOMETHING SET IT FREE; IF IT COMES BACK TO U ITS YOURS; IF IT DOESN'T, HUNT IT DOWN AND KILL IT!!!!

mottos

1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f**ing sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a f**ing people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
9. You! Off my planet !!
10. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
11. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. And your cry-baby whiny-asd opinion would be...?
14. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
15. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for? You missed!
19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. if i want your opinion i'll give it to you!
22. I SUPPORT EQUAL RIGHTS AS LONG AS NOBODY GETS MORE THAN ME!!!
23. IF YOU THINK SEX IS A PAIN in the derriere YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!!!!!!
24. SEX IS LIKE A YO-YO IT HAS its ups and DOWNS
25. I feel GREAT and I dont kiss bad either!!!!!
26. MAY ALL YOUR COMfoRTS COME BETWEEN 2 bed sheets!!!
27. man who cross in front of video game get kick in asteroids!!!!!
28. hard wORK NEVER killed anyBODY BUT WHY take CHANCES!!!
29. I'M A feminist... the more women i have around me the BETTER!!!!!!!
30. IF IN HEAVEN WE DON'T MEET, HAND-IN-HAND WE'LL FACE THE HEAT!!! IF IT EVER GETS TOo HOT, PEPSI COLA HITS THE SPOT!!!!

diarrhea

you're walking thru the zoo, and you feel it in your shoe ...diarrhea...
you're sitting in a chair and you hear some passing air ... diarrhea...
you're working at your desk and espy a nasty mess ... diarrhea...
you're walking down the hall and it runs wall-to-wall ...diarrhea...
you're laying in the bed and you feel it start to spread ...diarrhea...
you're climbing up a tree and you feel it on your knee ... diarrhea...
you're sliding into first and you feel it start to burst ...diarrhea...
you're pushing baby's head and you feel it wet the bed ... diarrhea...

Monday, April 04, 2005

last minute valentine's day advice

Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.
Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.
Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don't leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.
Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day.
Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!
Don’t club baby seals.

10 things women don't say

Go ahead and leave the seat up, I don’t mind.
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
I think hairy butts and backs are sexy.
Hey, did you smell that one!
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
This diamond ring is way too big.
I don’t want to know what you’re feeling.
Nah, Matt Damon is ugly.
Why would I want flowers on Valentine's Day?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.

how to guide to valentine's day

How to impress a woman... wine her dine her call her hug her hold her surprise her compliment her smile at her laugh with her cry with her cuddle her shop with her give her jewellery buy her flowers hold her hand write love letters to her write poetry for her go to the ends of the earth and back for her

How to impress a man... show up naked bring some beers

Things To Do For A Dateless Valentine's Day

Here's a quick guide to surviving Feb. 14 without ripping your hair out - or other people's hair, for that matter! --------------- Wear black, and lots of it. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people (Most people will thank you for this, anyway). For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping" or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good V-Day. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next V-Day.

Fun Things to do on Valentine's Day (Besides searching for porn)

Run up to a couple holding hands and quickly grab one of their free hands. Have a friend take a picture. Send a picture to the couple’s parents with an anonymous note informing the couple’s parents of their children’s bisexuality.
Buy a bag of candy Valentines hearts. Separate the whole hearts from the deformed ones (check bottom of bag). Give the whole hearts to couples that you know. Poison the deformed hearts and put them in the peanut tray in a singles bar. Now they don’t have to pick up the tab!
Write a sitcom based on a dancing robot who can’t find love because he doesn’t have a heart. At the end of every show, love forlorn, he thrusts his metal claw into someone’s chest and pulls out that person’s heart. He then does The Hustle. Sell the sitcom to FOX (you may have to call it, “That Dancing Robot Show!”) and use the money to buy lots of hookers.
Men: At a large sporting event, hire a skywriter to write, “Will you marry me Susan? ” Watch the fun as everyone dating a woman named Susan tries to hide from the Jumbotron. Women, do the same, except hire a skywriter to write, “Ron, I’m pregnant!”

© 1997-2003 Maryland Cow Nipple. All Rights Reserved

why ice cream is better than sex!

1 ice cream tastes great
2 you can find ice cream any day of the week
3 you can get ice cream anytime of the day
4 you can get ice cream as often as you want
5 ice cream doesnt criticize you after you have eaten it
6 you can get ice cream anywhere
7 you can eat ice cream in public
8 you can pay for ice cream without going to jail
9 you can eat 3 or more kinds of ice cream at the same time
10 you can eat ice cream without buying dinner first

the butcher and the dog

The butcher was working, and really busy. He noticed a dog in his shop and shoo'd him away. Later, he noticed that the dog was back again. He walked towards it, preparing to utter strong words, and noticed that the dog had a note in his mouth. The butcher took the note, and read it; "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looked at the dog again, and saw a ten dollar bill tucked into his collar. So the butcher took the money, put the sausages and lamb in a bag, and placed it in the dog's mouth. The dog trotted off down the road. The butcher was very impressed, and since it was closing time, he threw his apron on the block, shouted to his assistant to lock up, and followed the dog. The dog walked down the street and came to a crossing. He put down the bag, jumped up and pressed the crossing button. Then he waited patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When they did, he walked across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then came to a bus stop, and started looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog, having checked out the times, sat quietly on one of the seats to wait for the bus. When the bus arrived, the dog walked to the front of the bus, looked at the number, and returned to his seat. Another bus came. Again the dog went and checked the number; satisfied that it was the right bus, he climbed on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, followed him onto the bus. The bus travelled thru the town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog got up, moved to the front of the bus, and, standing on his hind legs, pushed the button to stop the bus. The dog got off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. The dog approached a house. He walked up the path, and dropped the groceries on the step. Then he walked back down the path, took a big run, and threw himself against the door. He went back down the path, took another run, and threw himself against the door again! There was no answer at the door, so the dog picked up his bag, jumped up onto a narrow wall, and walked along the perimeter of the garden. He got to a window, and banged his head against it several times. He then walked back, jumped off the wall, and waited at the door. The butcher watched as a big guy opened the door, and started laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher ran up to stop the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever? I think not! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

the cowboy

A cowboy was out riding the range, when he came to a town. Riding down the street, he came to an intersection. suddenly, a dog chased a cat across the road, and the dog said, "come back here!" at the next intersection, a big dog chased a prowler across, and the dog yelled, "stop thief!" that evening, the cowboy was cooking at his campsite, and the cowboy said out loud, "i didnt know dogs could talk." then the horse said, "you learn something new every day."

drugs 4 dummies

1. ECSTASY How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are. How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting. Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe." How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex. Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don't like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.
2. MARIJUANA How you think you behave: You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you. How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination. Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen. How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza. Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to do anything stupid.
3. ALCOHOL How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you. How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behaviour gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date. Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good. How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time. Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.
4. COCAINE How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to "do lunch" with everyone. How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow. Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it How you feel in the morning: Like the apeman. Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there's more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn't.
5. ACID or SHROOMS How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show. How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever. Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother. How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the wall swishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s "The Doors of Perception." Embarrassment rating: 0/10 You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.
from jokes2go.com

On Top of Spaghetti

On top of spaghetti, All covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball, When somebody sneezed. It rolled off the table, And on to the floor, And then my poor meatball, Rolled out of the door. It rolled in the garden, And under a bush, And then my poor meatball, Was nothing but mush. The mush was as tasty As tasty could be, And then the next summer, It grew into a tree. The tree was all covered, All covered with moss, And on it grew meatballs, And tomato sauce. So if you eat spaghetti, All covered with cheese, Hold on to your meatball, Whenever you sneeze.

The Legend of the 2 Dead Boys

Ladies and Germs
Hobos and Tramps
Cross eyed mosquitoes
and bow-legged ants
i come before you
to stand behind you
to tell you something
i know nothing about
the admission is free
so pay at the door
pull up a chair
and sit on the floor
One bright, sunny day
in the middle of the night
Two dead boys
for their lives did fight
Back to back
they faced each other
Drew their swords
and shot each other
One was blind
and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy
for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
And two lame men came to carry them away
A paralized donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a nine inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And shot and killed the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Cherry Valley

I'm sure you can imagine it's as simple as can be the place was Cherry Valley the people he and she She whispers, "Will it hurt?" "of course not," says he "It's just a simple process depending just on me" She said "I'm rather frightened I've never had this done before" He wanted to continue "it won't hurt much more" as the pain began and worsened tears came to her eyes she knew it would hurt a little but this was a big surprise Calm yourself my dear he said as he pushed his tool on in Now open slightly wider so I can fit more in Suddenly he gave a jerk she gave a lil shout it's all over now she thought thank god he pulled it out *Now read the story once again about the dentist and you will find it's not what you were thinking that was just your dirty mind!!!!

10 commandments of marriage

1- she can do whatever she wants
2- you can do whatever she wants
3- your money is her money
4- her money is her money
5- everything is your fault
6- nothing is her fault
7- everything is hers
8- nothing is yours
9- she can go wherever she wants
10- you can go wherever she wants

PICTURE OF THE DAY