Saturday, April 15, 2006

mating rituals of the praying mantis

The male praying mantis cannot
copulate while its head is
attached
to its body. The female initiates
sex by ripping the male's head off.
glad i'm not a mantis.

whats the difference between a woman and a lightbulb?

you can unscrew a light bulb.

diarrhea

you're walking thru the zoo, and you feel it in your shoe ...diarrhea...
you're sitting in a chair and you hear some passing air ... diarrhea...
you're working at your desk and espy a nasty mess ... diarrhea...
you're walking down the hall and it runs wall-to-wall ...diarrhea...
you're laying in the bed and you feel it start to spread ...diarrhea...
you're climbing up a tree and you feel it on your knee ... diarrhea...
you're sliding into first and you feel it start to burst ...diarrhea...
you're pushing baby's head and you feel it wet the bed ... diarrhea...

on top of spaghetti

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush,
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.

The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be,
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.

The tree was all covered,
All covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs,
And tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball,
Whenever you sneeze.

anonymous

legend of the 2 dead boys

Ladies and Germs
Hobos and Tramps
Cross eyed mosquitoes
and bow-legged ants
i come before you
to stand behind you
to tell you something
i know nothing about
the admission is free
so pay at the door
pull up a chair
and sit on the floor
One bright, sunny day
in the middle of the night
Two dead boys for their lives did fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play
And two lame men came to carry them away
A paralized donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a nine inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And shot and killed the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Cherry Valley

I'm sure you can imagine
it's as simple as can be
the place was Cherry Valley
the people he and she

She whispers, "Will it hurt?"
"of course not," says he
"It's just a simple process
depending just on me"

She said "I'm rather frightened
I've never had this done before"
He wanted to continue
"it won't hurt much more"

as the pain began and worsened
tears came to her eyes
she knew it would hurt a little
but this was a big surprise

Calm yourself my dear he said
as he pushed his tool on in
Now open slightly wider
so I can fit more in

Suddenly he gave a jerk
she gave a lil shout
it's all over now she thought
thank god he pulled it out

*Now read the story once again
about the dentist and you will find
it's not what you were thinking
that was just your dirty mind!!!!

the 10 commandments of marriage

1- she can do whatever she wants
2- you can do whatever she wants
3- your money is her money
4- her money is her money
5- everything is your fault
6- nothing is her fault
7- everything is hers
8- nothing is yours
9- she can go wherever she wants
10- you can go wherever she wants

my baseball career

it was the ninth inning, the score was tied, nothing to nothing. there were 2 outs and 2 strikes. i,... i,... o my, what an upset! i missed!

the blonde guy joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building. The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too. The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too.

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is
weeping. She says, If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much. Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. Hey, don't look at me, she said. He makes his own lunch....

PICTURE OF THE DAY