Sunday, December 01, 2013


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..." #Marcus

Friday, November 01, 2013

The Legend of the Trids

There once was this group of strange beings called Trids. The Trids were only about a foot long, and the lived in a valley next to a hill. Every day they would climb the hill to gather berries and other plant foods.At the top of the hill lived an Ogre that always kicked the Trids down the hill.
Finally, the leader of the Trids called a local Rabbi to come help them get food and to talk to the ogre. The Rabbi stood behind a tree on the hill and watched the Trids climb up the hill.
All was fine, until the Ogre popped out of a cave and one-by-one kicked the screaming Trids down the hill.
The Rabbi scaled the hill and asked the hideous creature why he kept kicking the Trids.
The Ogre looked over at the Rabbi and simply replied, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids." '

Tuesday, October 01, 2013


What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

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Sunday, September 01, 2013

Babe, I want 2 show u something

Boy: babe, i want to show u something
Girl: what is it, darling?
Boy: but, can i show this in your room?
Girl: okay
Boy: can we close the door?
Girl: mmh, okay
Boy: can we close the windows?
Girl: very well..
Boy: can we turn off the light?
Girl: yes yes
Boy: grab my hand
Girl: *grabs his hand* what is it honey??
Boy: Look at this. My watch can glow in the dark..

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Woman MSDS

Material Safety Data Sheet
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550lbs.
Occurrence: Copious quantities throughout the world.
Physical properties:
* Surface usually covered with a painted field and a variety of esthers.
* Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
* Melts when given special treatment.
* Bitter if incorrectly used.
* Found in states varying from virgin metal to common ore.
* Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
Chemical properties:
* Has a genuine affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
* Absorbs great quantities of attention.
* VOLATILE: May explode without warning for no apparent reason.
* Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased with alcohol.
Most common uses:
* Primarily ornamental, especially in sports cars.
* Found to be a great aid to relaxation.
* Pure specimen turns rosey pink when discovered in its natural state.
* Turns green when placed next to a fresher specimen. Hazards:
* Hard to retain when left in inexperienced hands.
* Illegal (not to mention deadly) to possess more than one at a time.